killerik - Why the hell not?

Another in a long(short) line of how-tos from me.

I know that you all love them so much. As evidenced from comments such as:

Wow that helped me out a fucking lot! Ur so fucking dumb. NO SHIT u do that its fucking obvious . Well wat bout the ppl who didnt buy it from a store and the ipod didnt come with a fucking box!

I must have really helped this guy out:

you ass hole! why would you waste your time and your readers by saying that? I just bought a bootlegged i-pod and was wondering how to get music on it without a programed driver because I have an a windows 98 and it wont seem to work. am I the dummy by buying it with out a driver?

Who could ever forget this classic:

ass hole

Well, obviously you all want more and I'm here to please.

Step 1: Google-search for perfect cake recipe.

Step 2: Follow the recipe.

Step 3: Take cake out of oven.

Step 4: Eat the perfect cake.

Related reading: How-To archives.

Posted by Erik at 12:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBacks (0)

Continuing from the last posting of somewhat odd products, I give you the latest offering.

Ever want to smell like a car race and didn't know how to achieve this feat(short of pouring gasoline on yourself)? Well, now you're in luck. Daytona 500 in a bottle:

"With subtle hints of burning rubber and spilled beer."

I've never seen another sporting event have its own mass-marketed cologne. The NBA, MLB, NHL, and NFL need to tap this market. Obviously, people will buy anything.

I'm sure that most of you have been to a gas station. If so, then you've probably witnessed their hot dogs rolling around and staying fresh and tasty, or not. Bring home the excitement of rolling hot dogs with:

"Wow" indeed.

I also captured a rare image of the beast outside of its box-like residence:

You know that you can't resist touching its knobs. Go ahead, do it. I can't stop staring at your milky white complexion, and your striped awning. I love you, hot-dog-roller-grill-thing! Sorry, I need a moment.

While we're on the subject of gas station paraphernalia...

Drinking out of the gas pump isn't recommended. It contains gasoline. You can't drink gasoline.

Time to change your way of thinking. Gas pumps are for drinking out of:

Just fill this up with your favorite beverage and off you go. But please teach the children that they should never sip from the nozzle of an actual gas pump. Gas is expensive, and you shouldn't waste your money quenching the thirst of children.

Posted by Erik at 9:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

I had some chinese food yesterday. As everyone knows, when you get chinese food, you get a fortune cookie. Unless, of course, you get your take out from the "China Fun" down the road. In that case you get a full handfull of cookies. Maybe they just couldn't pick which prediction was the right fit for me? Anyway...

So, I get my fortune cookie and crack that sucker open. What do I get?

"Avert misunderstandings by calm, poise and balance."

That's not a fortune. That's advice you get from your senile dad. I don't need this crap.

I don't accept this fortune. I call shenanigans.

I'm going to let you all in on a little secret about these tasteless pieces of cardboard that they somehow mold into the shape of a cleft-palatted clam. If you don't eat the actual cookie, your fortune doesn't stick.

You have to consume the soul of your cookie to obtain its magical powers. It's simple science.

My bland, pretentious, all-knowing "cookie" is now sitting in the trash.

I win!

Posted by Erik at 10:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)

When you're a guy you have to be really careful about everything you do. One mistake and you get a horrible nickname, and ridicule for life.

You may have the best friends in the world, but they won't hesitate to call you "Stinkfinger" in public. I'm about to help you avoid a situation where you just might(absolutely) aquire one hell of a handle.

Don't ever get caught eating this product:

That's right. It says "Poppycock". But the worst part is that it's "Poppycock - Just the Nuts". That's raises the bar by a factor of 100. I didn't even calculate in the part about it being the "Deluxe Nut Mix". This product is one landmine after another.

Steer clear of "Just the Nuts". Even if this is the greatest food ever brought to market, it isn't worth the years of namecalling and telephone calls that reference your love of "Just the Nuts".

I don't care if this food cures cancer, or gives me rock hard abs. It's staying on that store shelf until those nuts go rancid.

You're welcome, Poppycock.

Posted by Erik at 1:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

I ate an oversized marshmallow today. It was like a conjoined-marshmallow. Double the pleasure.

I should have taken a picture, but it was just too tempting. I have eater's remorse.

Posted by Erik at 9:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)