New killerik.com feature... "Wednesniscing".
It's reminiscing on Wednesdays. It's a pain to pronounce, and a bitch to spell. So, enjoy it.
Remember in grade school(K-6) when you would have a set period of time for the whole class to go to the lavatory? Well, I do.
It would start off with the teacher announcing that it was time to go to the "lav" and that we should all line up. I think that we did girls in one line and boys in another. Sounds right. My memory is sketchy, but we may have also gone in alphabetical order.
Well, after you line up, you'd take the trip past all of the other classrooms on your way. This was probably the coolest part, as you could peer into the classes and see just how different they were from yours. There was a class with a large globe. Maybe one that had all of the desk in a horseshoe, as opposed to your bland class of rowed desks. You know, stuff that seems absolutely trivial now, but was all that you could think about on your way to the bathroom.
Most of the time the teacher, who I believe to be a total sexist, would first escort the class to the girls room. While there, the boys were told to behave, or else we may lose our recess. What teachers didn't want you to know, and you probably never found out till much later on, is that they loved recess just as much as you. Do you really think that they wanted to lose those precious minutes that they were free from their babysitting duty? you could almost get away with murder before your recess would get taken away. unless you had that really mean teacher that everyone heard about, but no one ever seemed to actually have. I think that her name was Ms. Holmes(It was definitely always "Ms.", the last name is probably a bit off). I hear that Ms. Holmes gives homework over long vacations and that she smells of muscle rub.
Once the girls were done, it was our time to shine.
The boys were only allowed to go to the bathroom three at a time. It's a well-known fact that more than three boys left in an unsupervised room turns into complete mayhem in under 45 seconds. Not that there was much more that we could have done to the bathroom itself. The mirrors were already broken, there were bars on the windows, and for some reason all of the doors to the stalls were either missing, or wouldn't close completely. Also, I remember a radiator. There was one in each of the boys bathrooms, and someone pissed on all of them. Whenever winter would roll around, all you could smell was burning piss. It's one of the most vile smells, and I have it engraved in the recesses of my brain.
Anyway...
You get your shot to relieve yourself, and you'd always get stuck with one of the backwards kids that had to pull their pants down all the way to the floor while at a urinal. I'll never understand where this comes from. Unless you're hung like an elephant trunk, pulling down just the front of your pants should suffice.
I wonder what's the latest that one of those kids finally got the hang of peeing. Do you think that there is some 35-year-old out there right now, reading this, that just realized that he's been doing it wrong for his whole life? I'd go and beat the crap out of my father if I were him. He should have taught his son better.
Obviously you had to wash your hands after going. You didn't want to be the dirty kid in the class. For some reason my school had that Lava soap(I think that ours was generic). The one that mechanics use to get all of the grease off of their hands. I don't know if they were trying to send all of the boys the message that their genital area was the dirtiest place on earth, but that stuff was a bitch. It would take off a few layers of skin every time you washed. Then, as if the Lava wasn't bad enough, they made you use those brown, industrial, sandpapertowels. These are the paper towels that they make people in hell use. It's not right. Schools really should be brought up on abuse for this. I'm sure that the judge would have his own flashbacks and quickly award a large cash settlement to everyone that ever suffered through the brown paper towel trauma.
Exit the bathroom and wait for the rest of your classmates to get their turn. If we were at the right bathroom, on the right floor, we got to line up for the "bubbler"(or water fountain, depending on where you're from). For some reason, there was always a pink ring of gunk around the rim of the fountain. I didn't really like drinking out of those things. Sadly, bottled water wasn't invented yet. We just had to deal.
Somehow we'd all get back to class in 5 minutes. I'm assuming that the teachers were forced to take a class on military-precision lavatory timing.
The best part about it all is that this would take place twice a day. Also, the candy we got for being quiet while on our trip, even though we never were.
I love to Wednesnisce.
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